The Bell Tower Times Guide To Attracting the Opposite Sex

Welcome to the next instalment in our new fortnightly Bell Tower Times Guide To... Series. This week, he tries to help you find that special someone.

1. Peacocking

Lads, has a girl ever told you to put your shirt back on because those new tats aren’t sick? And ladies, has any guy ever said, go easy on those lip implants you are beginning to resemble a blown out, hemorrhoidal loose’ole? Of course not. Just as the peacock uses its feathers to attract a mate you must let your attention seeking douchiness shine through as a beacon of sexual relevancy.

Other ideas include picking her up with your jet ski still attached to your car or going to a festival after glitter-bombing your head like the primary school art project your dad never hung on his office wall.

2. The Dancefloor

When R Kelly wrote Bump ‘n Grind he had you in mind. The d-floor is the perfect hunting ground for a sexually aroused punter. Now, some people may say gurning like the Cookie Monster with a head injury is “ugly”, and perhaps they are right, but it is that “I’d eat my own young” war-face that is necessary to scare off rivals.

So go on, have a chew and seduce your mate by stomping so hard you put American History X to shame. Intensity is key.

3. Internet Flirtation

The journey to a thousand nudes starts with a single sexually suggestive meme. Sure, you may not know the tag-ee that well, but it’s not like you are actually tagging them in a photo of you performing a sex act. Nope, you ain’t no pest, you are merely getting them to THINK about a sex act, maybe even a sex act with you, Sir Thirsts-a-lot.

4. The Big Date

Let’s face it, Perth is expensive so thriftiness has become a powerful pheromone. A keen sense of fiscal frugality will have your date dripping like a broken tap. So avoid expensive pubs and restaurants like they were a gloryhole at a vampire themed orgy.

Instead take her straight to the cheap-fuck Tuesday double at Gelare and then Hoyts. Your cinema wristy will feel extra good based on the savings made.