The Bell Tower Times Guide To Tax Returns

The Bell Tower Times Guide To Tax Returns

How to squeeze the most out of the ATO, just in time for the end of the financial year.

Welcome to the next instalment in our new fortnightly Bell Tower Times Guide To... Series. This week, he gives us all a lesson on making the most out of your yearly cheque from the government.

1. Do It Yourself

Take a good hard look in the mirror - your portfolio is looking barer than the wooden board that your debt benedict was served on. Why pay a so-called “accountant” when your finances are about as basic as a millennial with a Live, Laugh, Love banner above her single bed?

2. Deduct

When it comes to small fish, you are like one of those Amazonian dick-fish. Why would the ATO bother auditing you? Perhaps because they are too gutless to go after people avoiding millions on tax. Nevertheless, your mate on site reckons tons of shit doesn’t require a receipt up front, so fuck it man, claim away.

3. The Initial Payment

Last week you were passing fresh limes off as brown onions at Woolies, but this week you are going to swagger around like a total baller. Aw yeh, tax back and your regular paycheck, in your account, at the same damn time. You aren’t used to seeing your account so fat, so exercise that debit card baby.

4. Debts and Liabilities are the Dark Horse of the Future

That’s right, fuck them all. Tax money isn’t like that miserable direct debit you have set up to try and pay off your credit card after splurging on the Greek Islands. Oh no, this money is magical, it is the pot of gold that you found at the base of the rainbow of she’ll be right. Accordingly, this money should be spent on the shit that really matters, tatts, holidays or perhaps a big old bag of party drugs.

5. Reflect on the Broke Piece of Shit You've Become

1 week ago you were the Wolf of St Georges Terrace, the Richard Branson of the Peninsula front bar, but now you have actually managed to end up in a worse financial position by spending like a drunk on Menulog. Why are you like this?

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