The Bell Tower Times Guide To Facebook Marketplace

The Bell Tower Times Guide To Facebook Marketplace

Surviving the deep dark web that is Facebook Buy & Sell.

Welcome to the next instalment in our new Bell Tower Times Guide To... Series. This week, he gives us all a lesson on surviving the deep dark web that is Facebook Marketplace.

Formerly, if you wanted to buy peoples' second-hand property you had to wait for a garage sale or get ripped off like a stripper's pants at Cash Converters. Next, we experienced Gumtree, which slowly whittled down our will to live. Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, the Facebook Buy & Sell marketplace boomed and brought the fuckery of Gumtree to the masses. Now the barbarians are at the gates, and they have shit to sell you.

1. Everything has a price

Sure, people sell “normal” stuff like outdoor settings or couches. However, the world of Facebook marketplaces exposes you to the seedy underbelly of the no-shame-no-gain brigade. Ever seen someone try and sell a 5-pack of beer? How about $2 for a flogged out pair of slippers? Not shocked yet? How about a kitten for a point of gear? Now you’re getting the picture.

2. The inbox tango

It is customary to reply “pm’d you” in the comment section of a post and then work out the finer details via private message. Price, quantity, the method of pick up are all details that will be the subject to an infuriating back and forth and you should be prepared for more backflips than a gymnast on poppers.

3. Best to not think about where your money is going

Desperation is the glue that holds Facebook marketplaces together. It is common to see a buyer very keen to offload their probably stolen wares. Phrases such as "pick up immediately", or "drop off now for an extra $5" are common. It’s safe to say that the proceeds of the sale ain’t going towards a stock portfolio. Then again, who amongst us can say we’ve never flogged off our neighbour’s Dyson so we can get day drunk?

4. Getting stood up

Facebook buyers are about as reliable as an Australia Post delivery man with a broken GPS (or a regular GPS really). Be prepared to wait around all day for some prick who has no intention of showing up. "But he said he’d be over in 40 minutes", you say? Well, Facebook buyers are as trustworthy as a neck tattooed Tinder match who promises to pull out in the back of an SS Ute.

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BTT's Guide To:

WINTER

HECKLING A STAND-UP

ATTRACTING THE OPPOSITE SEX

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