How To Punch Winter Square In The Face
A tidy yet chilly guide on how to beat those winter blues and make this season one to remember.
You know the drill. The winds are icy, the drinks get warmer and you slowly descend into a pale blob brought on by pasta nights and TV marathons fuelled by casual Tinder checks and Lowes trackie dacks. There really is nothing more enjoyable than letting the colder months take hold of your social lives and guts, but this guide should inspire you to kick off your snuggie and take winter by its quivering blue balls.
1. First you will need a game plan. This involves an outrageously packed social calendar with absolutely anyone who is willing to smoke a dart with you shivering while bitching about how chilly it is. Gather your troops, prepare for battle and make sure your Uber account is topped up because there isn’t a shot in hell you’ll be walking home. You have your pick of dimly lit bars, overly packed Thai restaurants, and sweaty club dens. Hit up Sidechains if you’re in Sydney. Not only is it on once a month, but this means you’ll attend three times before the cool breath of Mother Nature eases to flower out into Spring. The constant stream of new talent will keep you tantalized as you thrust your way into June, July, and finally – August.
2. Splendour In The Grass! This diamond of a festival is one of the best parts about the silly little bitch that winter is. Heading up to the slightly sunnier skies of Byron Bay will be sure to turn your cold heart around as you bask in the joys of live music. The line-up is insane, the drinks are overpriced, and the memories are enough to carry you through until next year. Not to mention if you are ever bored, a trip to the Tee Pee Village will be sure to sober you up enough to line up for the showers in the pitch black freeze that makes Splendour so wonderful. There is just nothing about being lost in the wilderness with thousands of other revelers that makes you forget that the brisk season even exists. We made a guide for this very event - HERE.
3. Put your hands in your pockets and your heads in the sky. Sometimes having a pocket is one of the most underrated things you can ever have in winter. I have heard that 60% of the time, having pockets works everytime. You can carry a myriad treats in those bad boys - from your well-earned moolah to the number of some prickly-skinned babe you picked up while waiting in a cab line. The winter pocket is a treasure trove of Eftpos stubs, dust, Freddos, and five dollar notes. Or is that just me?
4. Rug up and get down. There really is nothing better than finding your significant other on May 31 and then spending the entire winter with them until of course, September rolls around and you bail. But what if you have to face the winter single? It’s not that bad. As your shacked-up mates are doing their cross stitch in matching chunky cardigans in front of a roaring fire, make that fire your own. Take your runny nose out and hit that dancefloor like it owes you money. Not only will you stay fit, but you will more than likely break your thighs to some Ja Rule and earn the respect of your peers. Trust me, the amount of knee slides I have accomplished should be recognised in the International Tafe of Disco.
5. Don’t give up. The sun will rise again, dear friend. If winter really makes you down in the dumps, the good news is its only 12 little weeks before Spring has sprung. If all else fails, find yourself some crusty doona and lay it on the ground. Once on the ground, lie on one edge while holding your Oreos and bottle of wine and just roll. Roll like Pat Mullins to Uluru and feel like a cosy caterpillar, but before you know it David Guetta is touring again and you can unfurl from that blanket like a beautiful butterfly. Just please don’t go and see David Guetta, trust me - it's like watching your Dad dancing at your 21st.
6. Cockroaches are less likely to fight you in winter, so there's that.
Now dust off those knuckles and be prepared to clock winter square in its chattering face.