The eternal struggle of finding somewhere to bang in your early 20s

The year is 2016 in Australia and if you’re in your early 20s you’ve been locked out of the housing market by those dastardly baby boomers. Finding your own place is financially impossible, so renting is the obvious path but it’s still pretty exxy and you’ll need to share that house with some friends. It’s probably a dank (not the meme kind) old house with paper-thin walls and holes in the floorboards, or a tiny apartment with adjacent bedrooms.

And to go with all this you’re entering your freaky prime. Be it with a partner or new Tinder friends every weekend, you’re a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus. But you’re short on places to do it without fear of interruption. Or even worse - knowing silence as your roommates tip toe around the issue with a Nam-flashback look on their face. Your house is full of mates scurrying around all the time not cleaning and taking up as much space as possible. And if your partner/potential partner lives with their folks that cancels out probably the same bed they’ve been sleeping on since they were kicked out off the cot.

Quiet sex sucks, and getting the house to yourself is about as rare as finding a unicorn (not impossible, but rare). So rather than whinging about it, we’ve decided to offer some potential solutions – some good, some not so good.

THE CAR

Tried and true to be sure, although generally 2/10 on the comfortable rating. Finding a secluded spot can also be difficult. There’s always gonna be some security or cop car slowly driving around the carparks at your local hot (and heavy) spot just waiting to tap on the window and (best case) tell you to move on, or (worst case) be an axe murdering maniac. Still, if you can hunt down somewhere secluded enough it’s a quick(ie) fix.

This is from a movie called Crash and it has lots of car sex and it is messed up.

THE BEACH

Sucks in winter, and sand is an obvious issue – but in the right place (high up in the dunes), at the right time (summer, duh) and with the right equipment (a fucking massive towel or blanket helps), you can get it done and get an all over tan at the same time.

Sometimes you don't need a real friend.

CAMPING

Sex is nature at its purest, so why not get out into nature and damn well enjoy it. Just don’t go camping near any places with names like Camp Crystal Lake, because you will most definitely cop a machete to the face.

"Hello there children."

TOILETS

Aeroplane, nightclub, public, restaurant… There’s a lot of toilets out there just waiting for you and a friend. Some of them are nicer than others, and there’s a very good chance if you’re in a nightclub toilet you’re going to get a crowd, but if you just cannot fucking wait then there’s plenty of these things around.

Pro-tip, if you walk into the toilet from Trainspotting give it a miss.

HOTEL ROOM

Treat yourselves, take a Saturday night off from your mates and the sharehouse life and book a hotel room. Some websites even offer “mystery hotel” deals where you can get a 5-star pimped out hotel room for pretty much fuck all. You can have sex all over the place and not have to worry about cleaning up the next day. There’ll probably be a really nice bath/shower combo too. Naughty movies on the pay per view to spice things up. And after it’s all said and done you can get room service and awkwardly look the hotel staff in the eye as they wheel a feast into your hotel room only to see clothes strewn all over the place and whatever other weird shit you brought along for the ride. And you hold that fucking stare as the painful realization that you’ve done all kinds of fucked up shit in that room washes over their face.

Get as weird as you like, there's no judgement in hotel rooms, just mild irritation.

THE MOVIES

No one goes to the movies anymore so there’s a very good chance you’ll find yourself in an empty theatre, just make sure you wait til the usher comes in to make sure you’re not doing what they think you’re going to do so that you can do exactly that once they leave.

If you can somehow jag this theatre to yourself then you're laughing.

AT A WHAT SO NOT SHOW

Also two people got kicked out of the Enmore last night for having sex in the crowd in your show dude @WhatSoNot like wut

— Caitlin (@dedicaited) June 30, 2016

Something something when the drop's so good something something.