The Bell Tower Times Guide To Going To The Gym

Now is the time to start working on your summer rigs. Gyms can be a good option as long as you are aware of the risks:

1. Thor

You will first be initiated with Thor when he eye-staunches the shit out of your beta-arse when you sign up. He drops weights like they were Luke Shuey’s knee, he has veins that a junkie could only dream of and most importantly his grunts sound like the commotion inside a horny Kiwi’s shearing shed. Avoid at all costs.

2. Nina No Gains

Despite her entire workout amounting to 20 cruisy minutes on a fitness bike, she is exactly the sort of pest to post motivational memes and check-in at the gym every single fucking time. It is important she maintain a constant stream of gym selfies so her followers don’t work out that the secret to her tight rig isn’t fitness, it’s a tea that makes her spend more time in the toilet than a reckless diner in Bali.

3. The Personal Trainer

The stench of Lynx overpowers the room. A human sleaze-snail slimes his way towards you. He flexes ever so slightly as he gives you unsolicited training advice while staring directly down your top. Don’t worry though, he did a four week course or some shit, so it s’all good. His go-to move is offering private sessions, his backup is DM’ing you on Insta two days later.

4. The Change Room Terrorist

We are all adults, we can turn away to avoid the horrors of wrinkly balls or saggy tiddys. Alas, we are not always given that opportunity as the elder generation don’t seem to be in a much of a hurry to put on their grundies. The sight of an old boy talcum powdering his balls while talking politics combined with the aroma of Thor’s protein shake bomb in the toilet makes the change room a truly heinous environment.