When comedian Aziz Anzari (Parks & Recreation) appeared on The Conan O'Brien Show, he brilliantly conveyed his frustrations with being single in the current day and age by demonstrating how texting has ruined dating, turning everyone into a bunch of flakes unable to actually hang out with each other: 

From a girls’ point of view, dating in the age of technology – texting, social media, emails – has definitely unleashed a new strain of dude. Pure desperation has hit the Internet and it’s turned out The Thirsty Man. While the conscious attention-seeking of certain females on social media can be annoying, sure, it wouldn’t be nearly as prevalent without an army of extraordinarily thirsty men prepared to do whatever it takes to prove their undying loyalty to a pretty female they’ve never event met. 

I consulted with some of my girlfriends and we put together this handy guide of the types of thirsty men out there, particularly online, and how to spot them (all images actual screengrabs from our phones).

The Internet Killer 

This is the guy that will like everything you post to your news feed, and guaranteed will like every photo you post on your Instagram or Facebook, especially if it’s a selfie, which will usually warrant a comment. Mark my words: no girl ever opened her laptop, saw that a guy remarked how hot she looked in a picture and immediately resolved to sleep with him.

The Internet Killer will also blow up your inbox. He will try and instigate a Facebook chat with you every single day, regardless of whether you reply or not, and will want to know why you’re so busy that you’re not replying... like you have a responsibility to account to him.

The Internet Killer also has a creepy habit of monitoring when you’re online and not responding:

Once they’ve been granted access to being your Facebook friend, they’ll not only rapid-fire questions to you, hinting about the both of you getting together (“what are you up to tonight?” “Me and you…drinks…now.”), they’ll pelt you endlessly with lewd questions out of leftfield, and inappropriate compliments:

This guy will also tend to tell you things about his life in a further effort to blow up your inbox, without you even asking (or caring):

MEOW?! Which brings us to our next thirsty guy:

The Pussy

The Internet has emboldened pussies - dudes who would never even have the courage to look in a woman’s direction are now free to be as thirsty as they want to be. This guy will usually send you selfies via text, or Snapchats, of themselves at home with a bottle of wine or whiskey or a pathetic looking dinner, accompanied by a crying emoji or emo comments “drinking alone”, “dinner for one”.

Hey guys, if you want us to come over and drink with you, or you wanna go get burritos, why don’t you just phrase it as a regular question?

When did people become so lazy? Haha, okay dumb question, let me rephrase that - why do guys think its okay to make girls do all the leg work so they can take the easiest route possible to a root? Just because most girls have demonstrated we’re confident enough to ask for/get what we want doesn’t mean you get a free ride. Put in some work. We’re not just going to fall into your lap as soon as you click your fingers. If that’s what you want, you’re better off getting a puppy dog, and leaving the real women for the real men.

The “Leave The Club Now - I’ll Pay For Your Taxi To My House” Guy (Another version of The Pussy)

Even worse when guys you might be flirting with a little on Facebook or Tinder throughout the course of the weekend start getting thirsty at 1am or 2am. From their bed. Where they’re getting high. Playing Playstation. And they’re offering to pay your taxi fare from the club (where you’re out dancing with your mates, like a socially well-balanced individual) direct to their house (“Just get in a taxi now, don’t worry about how much it costs, I’ll pay!”)

Um, how about you put down your controller and put on a clean T-shirt and come out to the club, buy a drink and engage in some semi-decent conversation and flirting and then invite me back to your house and offer to shout the taxi (or use your Uber discount code, whatevs)? Do that, and us girls are much more likely to say yes to that ride home with you. And any rides thereafter.

The “Can we have sex…now?!” Guy

With the advent of all these new tools in social media - there’s so many women available to a man with a simple click or swipe - guys are becoming as impatient as ever. This is the guy that will fill a woman’s phone (if he’s lucky enough to have her number), or her Facebook inbox, with ultra urgent pleas to meet up, or for sex. You would be surprised how little shame a lot of guys have. Sometimes I get random messages on my Facebook, or my Twitter DM inbox, or my Tinder, from guys I don’t even know, saying things like “You’re fine as fuck girl. Can I get your number?”.  I’m not just talking on the weekend, in the ‘forgivable ‘coz he was drunk’ booty-call hours. I’m talking 6pm on a Tuesday night, when you’re having roast dinner at your parents’ house. Then, when you make it pretty clear to these guys you aren’t interested, they throw a bunch of INSULTS your way! Please just…stop.

Girls - don’t ever take that kind of bipolar bullshit seriously, you have absolutely no obligation to be this dude’s hollaback girl and you were doing the right thing by ignoring him – the insults are likely just a mix of bruised ego and unreleased sexual tension. What you should do is immediately block him on whatever social media you have, and also on your mobile, and encourage your girlfriends to do the same, because he’ll probably trawl your friends list after you reject him.   

Guys – why you are failing with the “fine as fuck” approach: if a guy isn’t willing to get to know a girl before trying to elicit sex from her, what it says to us is that you seriously lack intelligence and maturity. Being able to hold down a conversation with a girl is hot – whether online or real life. To quote from The Art of Manliness: Learn how to make small talk. Conversation is a ladder, with small talk serving as the first few rungs. You can’t leap-frog up the ladder. If you think that’s lame, remember - small talk is the portal through which every person you will ever meet will enter your life. More tips from AoM on how to make small talk right HERE. 

The “What Do You Mean, No?” Thirsty Guy

A friend related this tale: “There was this one guy who I went on a date with, and on the date realised he was just after a sex thing. I messaged him afterwards saying, ‘thanks, but no thanks’ type thing, explained that I wasn’t really feeling it, and he replied back with, ‘but we can still fuck, right?’. Um… I don’t think you understood me, mate!”

The Thirsty Guy With A Girlfriend In His Profile Picture

You guys do realise that we can see that pictures of you with your girlfriend on your lap right? Just trying to help. Because I’m not sure you understand how the Internet works. And if you’re morally bankrupt enough to want to trick girls into talking to you, at least conceal the fact that you are in a relationship, you cheating shit. Someone once told me about the monkey theory: that guys are like monkeys – they don’t jump from a branch until they have another branch lined up. Their relationship’s on shaky legs, so they secretly start using Tinder or Facebook to line up potential, and then when they feel its time for the relationship they’re in to finally end, they just give their unsuspecting girl some sudden excuse and bounce right into the arms of a new partner. If you recognise that monkey in yourself, or you simply aren’t getting enough attention from your significant other right now, don’t take advantage of nice girls you don’t know, by connecting with them on Facebook or Tinder in order to give yourself a confidence boost…so you can regain that “I’ve still got it” feeling. We’re not here to boost your ego. We’re not here to date you if you aren’t available. And we’re most certainly not here to be the dope chick of your dreams while you’ve got a girlfriend on the side. 

The “I’m In Town For The Weekend” Thirsty Guy

They contact you, you chat. They suggest meeting up for a drink. You don’t reply immediately. You get in touch a few days later… but it’s too late because “they’re at the airport actually”, homeward bound, because they were only visiting for the weekend...“Oh well, next time!” they say mockingly, like you’ve somehow missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why contact me and bother discussing meeting up if you live on the other side of the world and I’m not even going to be able to get a regular sex buddy out of this drink, let alone anything more meaningful?

-

The Thirst Is Real

There’s a difference between flirting and being thirsty. Learn it. It showcases a whole range of insecurities and anxieties that come up during the process of getting to know someone if a guy is acting desperate, or pushing a girl to do something if she’s not ready. Us girls have our hands full being modern, ambitious women, and we literally don’t have the time to chat to you on Facebook all day, or to save you from your lonely nights. We’re certainly not going to apologise, or be made to feel guilty for, not being available to hang out with you because we’re busy getting shit done, or enjoying much-needed down time with our mates. We’re revelling in our social and sexual independence – you thirsty guys are just going to have to hydrate yourself elsewhere.