You're not at Splendour In The Grass because you're a poor bastard. Same. Here's some things to do this weekend to celebrate that fact.

MELBOURNE

HOT DOG CHOW DOWN

Did you ever watch the pie-eating competition scene in Stand By Me and wonder, wish, pray that one day you’d witness such a spectacle IRL? It’s not every day we have the chance to watch men and women chow down as much food as they can as quickly as they can, but here we are at the doorstep of the second annual Luna Park hot dog eating competition. The probably gross, definitely entertaining, maybe vomit-inducing action kicks off at 1pm. Joy will abound (see also: free hot dogs for the crowd so we don’t feel left out). – Reb Mery

When & Where: Sat Jul 25, 1pm. Luna Park, 18 Lower Esplanade, St Kilda. Free.

GOT MILK?

Milk! Records (you know, the one helmed by Courtney Barnett and Jen Cloher) is hosting a showcase shindig at Record Paradise. Featuring performances by The Finks, East Brunswick All Girls Choir and Fraser A. Gorman. For free; not a single clam. You’re not doing anything better on Saturday afternoon. After party action at the Tote for Ouch My Face’s album launch. – Reb Mery

When & Where: Sat Jul 25, 3pm. Record Paradise, 15 Union St, Brunswick. Free.

MINI GOLF IS BEST GOLF

Suburban mini golf on the outskirts of a shopping centre this is not. Howler have upped the ante as far as small-scale, not-shit golf is concerned, simply by making sure the location of this course is within a functioning bar/beer garden. Beer, DJs and the precision hand-eye-coordination that comes with the right amount of booze is obviously what was missing from your childhood mini-golf excursions. Mini Golf-O-Rama runs at Howler until Monday 3 August, promising nine holes flowing from ‘volcano’ to ‘beach’. – Reb Mery

When & Where: Sun Jul 26, 5pm. Howler, 7-11 Dawson St, Brunswick. Free with any purchase.

SYDNEY

LOOKS GOOD, DOESN’T IT?

It’s fair to say Harpoon Harry’s is killing it at the moment with its swathes of pop-ups and general cool shit it seems to offer. We can all use a decent burger, and thankfully the guys at Harry’s have emerged with the answer, bringing Melbourne’s famous Huxtaburger up to the harbour city for a night of burger porn goodness. Proper burger, good booze, good vibes. - Brad

When & Where: Sat 25 July, 5pm-10pm. Harpoon Harry’s, 40-44 Wentworth Ave, Sydney. Free entry

NOT SO DAILY GRIND

At this time of year, I love coffee more than almost anything in the world. If you’re anything like me, the rocks is the place to be on Sunday morning, as Sydney’s finest roasters, baristas and general caffeine peddlers are coming out of their workshops to brew up their wares. Enjoy all the tastes, sounds and smells of a properly made cup, relatively hipster-free. There’s no guarantee the Barista will spell your name right though. - Brad

When & Where: Sun 26 July, Midday. The Rocks, Sydney. Free

FIND YOUR SATURDAY NIGHT OASIS

If you want retro this weekend, you have two good options. You could wade go to Ja Rule and Ashanti and wade through a crowd of people who don’t actually know any of their songs, or you could have a cracking time at Fools Gold. Now a Sydney staple, the folks at Fools Gold have brought the best of British indie, Britpop and rock to Brighton Up Bar for years, and they don’t seem like stopping any time soon. Bonus points if you know the picture.  - Brad

When & Where: Sat 25 July, 11pm. Brighton Up Bar, 77 Oxford St, Sydney. Free

BRISBANE

REEL FARSHEEN

I work in retail but I don't know much about fashion. Like actual fashion: farsheen. Palace Centro is however coming to rescue of those of us "not in the know". Reel Fashion is a curated collection of fashion films shown each Friday night. Events like these are great: head along, drop a tenner and learn something; it'll be useful at a trivia night if nothing else. This Friday will see Mademolselle C on the big screen, telling the story behind Carine Roitfeld and her time as editorial chief at Vogue Paris. I'm thinking it might be something like the Devil Wears Prada but only more art house. Did I mention you can drink beer at Palace?

Where & When: Fri Jul 24, 7PM, Palace Centro, 39 James Street, Fortitude Valley. Tickets $10.

NOODLE NIGHTS

The Good Food Month is just as it sounds: it's good, and it goes for a month. One of the tastiest things to come out of last year's event was the Night Noodle Markets held in Southbank. Luckily it's back, bigger and better than ever this year. Trading for 12 nights straight, the Night Noodle Markets will showcase some of Brisbane's best Asian eateries and their delicious wares: think yakitori, gyoza, and steaming bowls of pho and ramen. Head along and enjoy some winter sun over the weekend when the night markets trade longer from midday until late. Yum.

Where & When: Sat-Sun Jul 25-26, 12PM - Late, Cultural Forecourt, Southbank. Free Entry.

PERTH

SNATCH & GRAB

But don't grab, unless you're encouraged to do so. Snatch is a night for girls who likes girls, and bangers. And this week balls in a special Gayme On Edition. They've got a heap of ridiculous drink specials, the likely lasses who run it are bloody legends, and it's a sure bet for good vibes and even better times.

Where & When: Fri Jul 24, 9PM - 2AM, Flyrite, Northbridge. $5 if you wear a jersey, $10 before 10pm.

MAKERS MARKET

WA-based creative collective Made On The Left are hosting their next Made On The Left Market, featuring a host of local designer stalls and live music throughout the day. For a full list of all stall-holders and music acts head to the Made On The Left WEBSITE.

Where & When: Sun Jul 26, 10AM - 4PM, Perth Concert Hall, St George's Terrace, Free

ADELAIDE

We got nothing for Adelaide this week :( Not 'cause there's nothing going on, we just didn't have our writer this week :'( If you're still hurting about Splendour you can watch some stuff live thanks to Telstra! Info HERE.