A last minute guide for the Splendour In The Grass virgins out there

A last minute guide for the Splendour In The Grass virgins out there

Hold on to your butts.

Legendary header photo by Mitch Lowe. Article by Connor Benfield.

July is entering its third week, there’s an Antarctic chill in the air, winter is officially shit and like any true blue Aussie, you’re looking for an excuse to dance like no one is watching because they're too busy looking at their phone and pretend it’s summer again. Yep, it’s time for Splendour in the mother fucking Grass.

Every seasoned festival goer will undoubtedly have their own methods for navigating the musical mecca that is Splendour, but if 2015 is your first pilgrimage to Byron then you should heed these words. Like the A3 poster in your Year 9 Geography classroom always said; if you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Pack smart

splendour guide 01

Get creative if you're going to try and smuggle booze in. Embrace the yung drug mule that lives inside all of us and duct tape a flagon of Fruity Lexia to your stomach, for instance. And if you get caught - fucking cop it on the chin, pour that shit out, be grateful you didn't get kicked out and pay for your booze like everyone else has to. Punk.

splendour vodka

Follow this girl. She is the key to your happiness.

Dress for success, not sucky-sex

splendour david guetta

For the remaining 7 people who still argue they should be allowed to wear head-dresses, David Guetta has now made the decision really easy.

Splendour is not a farshun runway. Fellas, we can tell your rig is fully ripped from the way you fist pump to Peking Duk – keep your shirt on, it’s July ffs. Gals, dudes will still want to put you on their shoulders even if they can’t see your nipples through your mesh crop top. Also, in case you’ve been living under a culturally insensitive rock, bindis and Native American head dresses are not cool.

Don't phone a friend

splendour phones

I live my life one tiny video at a time.

Leave your phone in your tent. Experience the music you paid to see with your eyes, not through your iPhone camera. If you’re worried about getting lost and not being able to call your friends, you’ll soon find out that phone reception doesn’t exist at Splendour anyway. Pick a landmark to meet at if you get separated, or go rogue and wake up with a funny story to share around the campsite the following morning. It's a way better medium of story telling than Snapstory.

Pace yourself

splendour guide funnel

Lisa's festival wedding was off to a baller start - her husband had already fucked off and the funnels were flowing thick and fast.

Know your limits. Even with copious narcotics at about one and a half days in you'll realise there's still one and a half days left. Never underestimate the value of eight hours sleep. If you’re not a big drinker, don’t do shoeys at 9am. If you’ve never dropped acid before, a tens-of-thousands-of-people strong music festival probably isn't the best place to start. Work smarter not harder, people. It’s this kind of well thought-out festival participation that is the difference between a happy camper and a fragile, quivering mess come day three of your #SplendourBender* #YOLO**.

Love Thy Neighbour

splendour guide love neighbour

These people met five minutes ago. Look at them now. LOOK AT THEM!

A festival campsite can be a magical place where eternal bonds are formed, cask wine is shared and communal games of frisbee are enjoyed. Your neighbours in the camp grounds have the ability to make or break your festival experience. So when you’re pissing on a stranger’s tent at 3am, howling the wrong lyrics to a Tame Impala’s Elephant (no one knows the words, don’t kid yourself), remember that you reap what you soak.

Don’t Love Thy Neighbour

splendour guide festival sex 2

It’s a well-documented fact that doing the no pants dance at a music festival is a bad idea. Splendour is no exception. We don't need to go into detail as to why, but just think about the logistics involved. Is it worth it? Is it worth some fuckwit filming it and then putting on the internet for the whole world to see? IS IT?!

Just be cool

splendour be cool

Bitch be cool.

Keep it low maintenance. There’s no greater buzz kill than someone whinging about shit that can’t be helped. If you’re mates aren’t doing what you want to do, don’t be afraid to lone-wolf it and see a band by yourself. You payed for this sucker, so make Splendour in the Grass your bitch.

And for f's sake, take some gumboots

splendour gumboots

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*Only use the term “Splendour bender” ironically.

**Remember when this was a thing?

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