The Bell Tower Times Guide To The Perth Royal Show

*screams internally* header photo via.

Look, the weather hasn't been kind to this year's Royal Show, but with a couple of days left before it wraps up on September 30, you can still get down for a good old time. And Bell Tower Times is here to help you survive it:

1. Tickets

At $75 per family, the Royal Show tickets are steeper than the slippery slope of a Yes Vote. However, just like no one is forcing your kid to wear a dress to school, no one is forcing you to fork out for the tickets. Nevertheless, posting a lengthy rant afterwards on your favourite Facebook group about the extortionate prices seems to be the required therapy to take the sting out of admission.

2. Food

Generally, showground food has more cholesterol than a Scottish fish & chip festival. The dagwood dog is timeless classic which combines the mystery meat of an abattoir floor and wraps it in a non-biodegradable batter of packing peanuts, topped off with the culinary lubricant of the pleb: tomato sauce. For the savvy (cheap) patron, it’s always a good option to hit the IGA tent for as many samples as you can fit in your gluttonous face.

3. The Animals

There are two types of adults in the petting zoo areas. First, the bogans letting the spawn of their unplanned parenting terrorise the creatures, and secondly the social influencers trying to get the perfect mix of cleavage and baby lamb in their Instagram story. When you’re done with the shitshow of the petting zoo head over to the cattle judging competition to see large creatures being judged on their phisiques and breeding potential, kind of like eHarmony.

4. Showbags

Sadly for parents, purchasing a $30 bag full of shoddily made shit that your ungrateful kids are going to destroy on the car ride home is the only way to fill the void of their generational entitlement. For the rest of us there's nostalgia. A sweet feeling that will soon turn bitter once you realise inflation has jacked up the price of the Bertie Beetle bag to $4, thanks baby boomers.

Image via.

5. Rides

Thanks to Dreamworld, most of your ride will be spent wondering how secure your harness is and the other half spent hoping that a disgusting pig who is eight doughnuts deep doesn’t chunder all over while you are unable to fend off the chunks of his overindulgence. But hey, at least you got to spend up to $20 for that experience.

BTT's Guide To:

WINTER

HECKLING A STAND-UP

ATTRACTING THE OPPOSITE SEX

TAX RETURNS

FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

BAR ETIQUETTE

THE GYM