People You'll Probably See At Laneway This Year

No, this will not be a list of #hipstertrends2014 for you to contemptuously mock while you yourself sit their in your pulled-up socks and bucket hat stroking your neck beard while your girlfriend tattoos another dick on your leg, there are plenty of other sites and articles for that. Rather, here I will try to identify some of the lesser known, overlooked Laneway wanderers that have somehow stumbled into what has become probably the best music festival of the season. Though there will no doubt be plenty of 18 year old faux-hippy girls and scum-stashed long haired dudes, these need not concern us as we delve a little deeper into the patrons of this newly relocated smorgasbord of aural delights.

1) The Drug-Fucked Young Guys

I know I know, I'm not exactly the wisened old sage of narcotic intake and nor am I completely oblivious to what the "kids" are doing now days but there were some remarkable displays of altered human behaviour at last year's Laneway that lead me to believe more of the same will follow this year round. To observe this phenomenon in its natural state simply position yourself by one of the free water taps and wait for the varied entertainment to arrive- it shouldn't take too long. You should be able to easily identify those who miscalculated their intake by their wide eyed and vacant stares, their incoherent shouting to their friends and their complete lack of understanding that they are in a public environment. For an excellent and far more eloquent summary of this curiosity please see Mathas' wonderful new song Doctor Shopping. 

2) That One Dude With The Metal Shirt Looking Really Pissed Off

 Hey man, I don't know why you're here or how your friends talked you into coming, but Cannibal Corpse are definitely not playing so you better get the fuck over it or leave. It's probably going to be 35+ degrees so that black shirt, died black hair and those tight black skinny jeans are going to go down a treat and make you even more angry, which will be hilarious for me but most likely just make the situation worse for you. I hope you get dragged in to see Run The Jewels and secretly enjoy, thus making you question your entire existence. 

3) People Who Have Been Wandering Around Freo For the Last 40 Years

With the change of venue in WA this year moving Laneway out of the city centre and into Perth's weird-uncle Fremantle, it is a fairly sure bet some of the portside locale's more colorful characters will no doubt make an appearance. You know the ones - they look like they've been stuck in an amazing acid trip since the late '60s and while not necessarily homeless they do have a pretty good idea of all the best spots to smoke weed uninterrupted in Freo so will most likely be able to use their knowledge of the area to somehow weasel their way in without paying. The best thing about these guys is they will probably have the best drugs out of anyone there, having horded a collection of some of the first print of LSD in the country and the soil in the prison tunnels being the best place to cultivate grade A marijuana, dude.

4) The Extremely Persistant Fence-Jumpers

Fence jumpers are a staple of any festival and are always a joy to watch as you get pulled into their enthralling world of risk taking; either they execute a perfect entry and manage to slide into the crowd to camouflage or they get spotted and are ruthlessly hunted down and ejected by security. Laneway offers a unique fence-jumping experience this year for a number of reasons. For one, the different location could offer the opportunity for new nooks and crannys to be exploited by keen eyed cheapskates. Also, given the younger clienteles' financial restrictions it may result that those doing the majority of the jumping will be inexperienced in the delecate art and thus more prone to feeling the weight of five fluoro clad knees on the back of their necks from guards who aren't getting paid enough for this shit.

 Phew, there we go, four very plain stereotypes outlined for your identifying pleasure without a beard or nose ring in sight. The logical end result of this avoidance will be the enragement of thousands of tormented 1940s hipster souls who have been lying dormant for the last 60 years and decide to unleash their white jazz fury on an unsuspecting Laneway crowd. The ground will split open and out of the face melting heat will rise the undead animated corpse of Jack Kerouac spouting a deathly stream-of-consciouness wail to drown out the screams of the patrons and possess all those unfortunate enough to be within earshot. His ghostly call will unite all the Janoski wearing, midriff baring, Hawaiian shirt rocking attendees into a single mental, physical and spiritual entity that will throw back it's infinite heads and howl at the meaninglessness of existence and then self implode into a shower of blood and bone because of the irony of it all. 

Or it will just be a really good time with some really good music, who knows.