Dudes, Go Down On Your Girl

It’s recently come to my attention that some dudes “don’t enjoy” pleasuring their partner orally, or simply refuse to do it. I haven’t really bothered trying to find out why this may be the case, because I’m going to assume it’s one of three things: 

1. They think it’s gross (not to confused with "it's something they just don't get off on" - which is sad, but cool)

2. They don’t actually care if their girl gets off.

3. They don’t get enough oral sex themselves.

Now, I’m not here to provide a step-by-step guide on how you go about this most honorous activity (THIS article does a pretty good job), this is more of a PSA/letter to my teenage self that I would send to him if I had a time-travelling letterbox like that one Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves share in The Lakehouse. 

Obviously I can’t speak for every man out there, but I’m gonna guess many of us don’t give our girl mind-blowing orgasms every time you have sex. Maybe you do, maybe you’ve figured out the perfect combination of angles and sweet nothings for just penetration to get the job done, and if so – that is rad for you. But I’m gonna guess that some times (or most of the time), just having sex - while fun for everyone - gets you off, but might leave her unable to quite “get there”.

Take a minute to think about this, and let it soak in. Be comfortable with the fact that this is perfectly natural. Girls aren’t supposed to get off just from having a penis inside them - despite what Pornhub will lead you to believe. That gets them pregnant, but by and large it doesn’t make them go cross-eyed and shaking to the point where they literally can’t even right now.

You know what does? Going down on them. Especially if you lock down some decent techniques (again, I don’t need to go into it here, the article I linked above has some pretty neat options). Why anyone would be against doing this is beyond me really. Especially dudes who expect blowjobs but offer nothing in return. If you are one of those dudes – fuck you.

If hygiene is a concern for you (i.e. point 1), jump in the shower with your lady beforehand. But I can assure you most girls give a shit about how it’s all going down there and make sure it’s smelling like roses and butterflies. Likewise dudes if you want blowjobs, make sure it’s at least clean before you get into the bedroom.

If you’re the kinda guy who doesn’t actually care if his girl gets off (#2) – also fuck you, and also good luck having any kind of successful relationship ever.

As for people who fall under point 3, I personally guarantee you that if you put in a decent amount of effort down there and give your lady friend the pleasure she deserves, rainbows and sunshine will be flying your way. And if in your mind you’re worried it might take a while for her to warm up to giving blowjobs, think about what it might be like to have a dick in your mouth for an extended period of time. We get it so fucking easy, so go down and enjoy, learn to love the female orgasm, and you’ll get what’s coming to you. 

But that’s not what this article is really about. It’s about the female orgasm, one of the most awesome gifts in the world you can give your better half. Guys look fucking weird and gross when we come. All squinty-eyed and weird orgasm face, saying weird shit and making a mess. Girls? If you can find me something hotter than a girl squirming around in your bed sheets, all pink cheeks, biting their lip, unable to speak to you or be touched for a while, I’ll eat my hat.

Until that time, I’ll just continue eating out…

Header photo by Wesley Shaw.

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