Which Private Facebook Groups Are You In?
If it's a thing, you're in a group about it.
Welcome to the darkweb, although we're not talking about bitcoins and millions of lost dollars. Today we're talking about the scandalous world of private Facebook groups. You’re all in one. Aren’t you? It could be something as innocuous as a University study group, or something far, far worse. Maybe you thought you and your group of friends were unique? ‘How clever are we? Making a private little chatroom where we can converse on the reg and no one will ever know about it unless they’re invited.’ The private Facebook group is out there, lingering just behind the glossy veneer that is a steady stream of clickbait articles and annoying Fortafy Youtube rips and/or memes. The only question is – which ones are you in? And which ones have we missed?
The Social Sports Team Group
"Anyone able to fill in for Janine this week?"
"How hard was that team trying last night – it’s supposed to be a casual league ffs."
"Can anyone fill in for Janine again this week?"
"Janine has left the group: Wednesday Night Beach Netball."
The sports team group is generally a fairly laid back affair, making sure everyone’s able to play their respective casual sport once a week, maybe throw out the option of an extra training session somewhere – usually met with vigorous approval because while it’s a casual league, winning is important. Whose buy it is for beers after the game that week is also a high priority.
Ladsy as all hell, these group are filled with humorous anecdotes about all the fucked-up shit the lads got up to on the weekend, pictures of mates passed out on other mate’s couches covered in pictures of dicks, or just actual pictures of their dicks. There’s a reason these groups are private. Saved snapchat pics received from members of the opposite sex in various states of undress are quite common, so you’re fooling yourself if you think that private Snapchat stayed private. There’ll also be plenty of bitching about EVERYONE – no one is safe in groups amongst friends. Just be mindful of who does or doesn’t get let into the group, and before adding someone maybe do a quick history search through the group posts to make sure they haven’t been the subject of scorn in the past.
I'm sure there's a girl equivalent for this but as a male I do not have access to such scandalous activities.
"Helen can you please remember to put the bins out this week."
"Mark can you please stop hording your dirty dishes in your bedroom, bring them out and clean them along with the rest for once in your life."
"John if you don’t pay me for the last two weeks rent I will actually break your kneecaps."
"It’s been 3 weeks John, come on dude."
"John has left the group: Housemates Of 14a William St!"
The housemates group is never a wise one - people feel a sense of bravado when sitting in front of a computer rather than talking to people’s faces. Thus things can become heated very quickly, creating an awkward passive aggressiveness in real life that will ultimately lead to the downfall of your house’s social dynamic.
Clothes For Sale
"Hey guys, this dress cost me $500, but I'm happy to let it go for $450."
"I'll give you $150."
"Girls I found half a packet of the pill that I no longer need if anyone wants it - $20."
A place for regretful sellers to unload clothes they really couldn't afford in the first place, music festival tickets, various pharmaceuticals, televisions and all sorts. Clothes For Sale is a coming together of two groups of people – ones that think they can flog second-hand stuff for exorbitant prices, and ones that know they’ll get a good deal because it's second-hand and the worst that can happen is the original seller will delete their post in shame when no one accepts their original high offer. This isn’t limited to girls at all either, guys clothes for sale are generally filled with second-hand sneakers for twice as much as they cost due to “rarity”, and thrice as much hatred. It's also a place for people who don't really want to sell anything, rather dip their toe in the modeling world and show off their garments, T and/or A with various angles, filters and background drops.
The *Insert Health Fad Here* Group
"Isagenix changed my life, PM me for details on how to join up!"
"Check out my before and after shots guys!"
"Hey guys, had a really rough day and just looking for some inspiration to help me stay on track."
"My friends keep saying this is some kind of pyramid scheme/cult - what should I say back?"
Avoid at all costs. No good can come from being in these groups. Let them be. Lest your Facebook feed be filled with constant updates about people’s “progress” (see: how much weight they’ve lost by simply not eating real food), inspirational quotes, updates from the cult leader CEO and photos of overweight people pushing their gut out next to a photo of them sucking it in.
Club Night Promoter Group
"Last night was fucking sick guys, thanks for smashing the socials in the lead-up to it."
"Last night was terrible guys, lift your game or barcards are off the table next week."
"Steal a few more of our ideas why don’t you, rival club night."
A place to rally the troops, and lure unsuspecting young party people into the deep and dark realm of club night promotion. The free drinks! The priority entry! The getting three of your friends in and looking like an absolute lord! Knowing the DJ! Hating the DJ! Behind the scenes working on your own sure-to-be-successful DJ career! It truly is the lifestyle of the rich and famous. And the promoter group is the perfect place to hang out with like-minded individuals, challenge each other to bender: harder, better, faster and stronger. Just make sure you video it so you can post it in the group the next day.
Blokes & Their Ice-Creams
*Picture of bloke with ice-cream*
"That picture is clearly of a girl holding a Zooper Dooper, not a bloke and his ice-cream – I did not come here for this kind of bullshit, lifetime ban."
"Crème is life."
A strange and wonderful place where blokes abide by a strict set of rules and conditions to support a love of ice-cream with their fellow man. It’s really that pure and simple. Of course, it’s Facebook, and things can get convoluted. Especially if there’s a girl in the background of a photo. Or if the “ice-cream” in the photo has some ice elements. This is not a place for Pine Limes I can assure you [Editor's note: We were contacted and informed Pine Line's are in fact okay under the Blokes rules - apologies!]. And who can forget the great ice-cream-gate of early 2015 when a girl came in and called everyone misogynist pigs when really they just have an unhealthy obsession with taking photos of themselves holding and/or eating ice-creams. This is just one group of millions of irreverent ones spanning the world wide Facebook. And they almost always become very boring, very quickly. Looking at you "I've got a business".
University Study Group
"I can’t make the tutorial today, can someone give me their notes afterwards, promise I’ll be there next week!"
"Did anyone do the Anatomy 1.01 exam last year and can give me some clue as to what the questions were?"
"What does collusion mean? Our professor seems to think talking about past exam questions/answers in a Facebook group is collusion…"
The private university study group is your uni lifeline – you can meet friends, get answers to shit you don’t know, and generally do uni a whole heap better than on your own. Just don’t be the person that never goes to ANY tutorials or lectures, and expects to get notes for nothing. You gotta rock up to some and give a little to get a little. It’s part of being a participatory university student and a goddamn decent human being.
The Producer/DJ Group
"Hey guys, check out this new edit I made, feel free to start smashing it in your sets."
"How's the blatant sample pack-ripping on these guys' tune?"
Unbeknownst to you there are groups out there filled with very well-established DJs and producers, sharing new music, getting feedback and just generally dispersing "fresh dubs" you can't find on Soundcloud. These groups are a goldmine for tunes your local club DJ will not have (if you can weasel your way in there), and also for solid banter whenever someone outside of the group starts getting some traction or radio play with a song they released that did little-to-nothing when it came to altering the sample pack or vocal that comprises the main hook. Also if you hooked up with a DJ last night and he "just quickly had to reply to a message", he was really taking photos for this group.
So, what groups did we miss?
Header photo stolen from those bastions of high brow humour, Brown Cardigan.