Good morning. Or, is it really a good morning? Surely it must be; you had a goddamn wonderful time last night. Don’t you dare go beating yourself up and declaring ridiculous things like ‘I’m never drinking again’, or wonder how many choices you made last night should be filed under ‘bad’.

If you’re reading this through the haze of a leaden brain, you’re about to spend the day engaging in well-rounded human activities that aren’t ‘eat a whole loaf of bread while hate-watching True Detective season 2 because you can’t be fucked turning it off’.

COFFEE

To begin: you need to wake up. No sugar-coating – getting out of bed is the most difficult part of this entire operation. But when that caffeine hits your system and some semblance of sunshine hits your face, you’ll be glad you exited the house. You can do it; the world believes in you. If you’re anywhere near Carlton, haul yourself to Market Lane on Faraday Street. Then head next door to Baker D. Chirico for something tasty while you wait. No, this isn’t breakfast – it’s your reward for being outside.

The Adult Centre in the background keeps this on the level.

South of the Yarra, your pre-breakfast combo can be found down Claremont Street – Two Birds One Stone for wake-up juice; Adriano Zumbo for a delightful snack. Because treating yo’self is vital to surviving a hangover.

BREAKFAST

Sure, you’ve successfully entered the world of the living. But the posse of nausea goblins in your gut – who’ve incidentally kicked off a circle pit of some sort – need breakfast. For those in and around Northcote, Barry’s your best bet. The sunny cafe’s breakfast menu deftly walks a line between healthy and ‘soak up the booze’. Try the broccolini, kale, avo and egg action if you’d rather avoid a shame spiral, or the benedict eggs and a Bloody Mary if fuck it. If you’re around Fitzroy, try Archie’s All Day. South? Wander up Malvern Road to Hobba (below). It’s an old favourite, and you’ve probably been there a million times, but it’s a favourite for a reason. Namely, their breakfast options include pulled pork, chilli con carne, and superfood concoctions.

"Cheese & bacon cornbread waffles with crispy buttermilk fried chicken are served with a maple & walnut ice-cream & bourbon butter sauce." See yah.

MIDDAY

Firstly, if you managed to do all (read: any) of the above activities before midday you should consider yourself an example gusto and can-do attitude. That, or you're still slightly wasted. Secondly, it's midday – that means you're officially clear to commence drinking anew. Before that though, let’s engage in a proper activity. Go wander around somewhere. Go sit in the sun. Go lie down in a park. If you’re wandering around the north, drop by Polyester Records and buy yourself something nice before collapsing in a heap in Edinburgh Gardens. Fun fact: Edinburgh Gardens is a wonderland for dogspotting, the most joy-inducing of activities daytime activities.

That chair is calling your name so you can stare the shit out of that weird gondola thing.

Southside? Head to Como House for a sunshine nap and a chill-as-fuck wander around, but not before stopping by Greville Records. And if you’re hungover on Sunday, fuck it all off and head to the Flour Market in Collingwood – your stomach won’t regret it.

ARVO

By now you're likely experiencing vivid flashbacks from last night, or you're receiving messages from friends who are waking just now waking up and finding their phones. No, that string of witty, witty moments you starred in were not hilarious. And yes, you did in fact attempt to eat someone’s face in the least charming way possible. On the plus side, it’s time to start drinking again. And espresso martinis are now on tap at Arbory Bar. The outdoor bar – which is apparently the longest in the world – also happens to overlook the Yarra from its perch next to Flinders Street station, which means effort involved in this one is minimal.

Do we focus too much on fried chicken in these things? No.

If plans don’t involve leaving the southside, make a beeline for Sweetwater Inn for a mloody mary. You’ve earned it, you bloody champion. The ‘Kevin Bloody Bacon’ is befitting of the outback shack saloon vibes, complete with bacon, beetroot and chilli-infused vodka, a bacon strip, cheese, olives and a pickle making an appearance.

Do we focus too much on bloody mary's in these things? No.

NIGHT

Keen to start drinking again? Drunk again already? It’s the weekend, you’re feeling better than you were in the morning, why not take a new bar for a spin? Monty’s has just opened on St Georges Road, and its unpretentious atmosphere is ideal for gathering your similarly hungover pals together for a beer and a debrief after last night. Besides, it’s these relaxed beers that often morph into spontaneous excursions into the party zone.

This is a safe zone for you.

In all fairness though, some weekends just aren’t worth backing it up. In which case: the Astor Theatre’s Sunday double bill is a Hitchockian affair. The cinema’s new cat is named Duke; maybe go pat him and whisper your hungover woes into his furry ears. You’ll feel better, promise.

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