The Bell Tower Times Guide To Bar Etiquette
Some hot tips for being hot shit at the bar this weekend.
Welcome to the next instalment in our new Bell Tower Times Guide To... Series. This week, he's here to help you be the best you can be while at a bar this weekend.
1. Show everyone how big your dick is by waving a hungey
Ever heard a girl say, “Oh my god, he is paying for two pints with a fresh watermelon”? Probably not, but you can bet your Dodge Nitro that they are thinking it (even if you’re just waving a pineapple). Not only will you have more pussies meowing than a single lady's living room, but the bartender will gravitate to your unfathomable wealth and serve you first. Standard.
2. Survival of the fittest
We’ve all been there, the man next to you has been waiting for 10 minutes and you have just arrived. The overwhelmed bartender looks in your direction, maybe it’s because you’re an attractive female or maybe it’s because of that hungey note we spoke about earlier.
Whatever it is, forever you will live with your choice. Be honourable and wait another 10 minutes like the bozo next to you? Or skate through to an undeserved victory like Steven Bradbury? Fuck the weak, get that drink.
3. If you are important, people will wait
Unless you are George Zimmerman, the entire world is unlikely to care when you take a shot. Please do not let that stop you from getting the bartender to line up your six basic bish slippery nipple shots for your various social media stories. After the photo shoot, while people are still waiting to wet their whistle make sure you perfectly choreograph the drinking of said shots with an obligatory “I'm going to get fingerbashed woooooo”.
4. Camp like a champ
Generally, the kinds of people who sit at the bar are old mates (allowed), creepy solo sex pests and geniuses who have worked out the key to getting a drink nice and fast. Fuck the fact everyone else has to battle for the 1m of free bar space remaining. So it’s win/win, people will either think you're some kind of VIP or if you are of the sex pest variety, the bar chick will thoroughly appreciate the ocular pearl-necklaces of wisdom you are shooting down her top every chance you get.
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