Words by Patrick Smith

You’re all very aware we have a new Prime Minister. Moneybags Turnbull has taken the reigns off his old buddy and promised to restore good governance to the country. So now that Tony has a bunch of time on his hands and a $300,000-a-year ministerial pension to spend, we thought we’d compile a list a holiday spots where the Tone can go for some hard earned R’n’R. And don’t worry Tony, we won’t pull you up for taking a helicopter.

CHINA

On June 15, Tony and his (old) friends signed a new free trade agreement with international heavyweights China for an unprecedented level of open trade in both produce, raw materials and labour. So he’s got some bros in the country already. But that’s not the best of it. The thing Mr. Ex-Prime will most certainly love the most is that China is the world leader in onion production. A whopping 20,800,000 tonnes of brown cry machines are extracted from Chinese soils in a year. Australia dosen’t even make the top 35 producers in the world! Get out of here Tony, your love for onions goes beyond anything we can relate to, and we want you to be happy; you deserve veggie-heaven. Or are they a fruit? Who cares. Plus, he'd have a friend who'd just love to come with him:

GREENLAND

“Climate Change is crap”, a statement made by the honourable Mr. Abbott in 2009. Since then, sea ice minimums in the Arctic circle have dropped 700,000 square kilometers and Greenland has recorded it’s highest ever temperature, a balmy 25.9C. There’s never been a better time to get some sun and surf in Greenland, with all that useless sea ice out the way and the sun finally warming the place up! Get in while it’s hot Tony! Emma Thompson might even skip over from Smeerenburg and meet you there or a pow-wow.

BRAZIL

One thing we knew about the Tone from day one was that he looovveees the beach, And the gym, and totally fulfilling our stereotypes of a creepy old uncle. You know what I’m talking about; Speedo-gate. Brazil is supposed to have some of the best beaches in the world, what better place to flaunt your awesome dad-bod and ferociously red budgie-smugglers. We're sure you'll fit right in, mate!

Just don’t stray too far from the beach Tony, or you’ll be wearing undies, and that’s just down right embarrassing.

JERUSALEM

“Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. Jesus knew that there was a place for everything, and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia”. This was how Tony Abbot used his main man Jesus to defend his views on immigration. So this next vacation spot for Tony will be more of a pilgrimage to find out just exactly why his home-boy made the decisions he did. Too little too late in terms of it helping his political career but if nothing else we’re sure he’ll love the food. Lets just hope he gets let in!

SEA'N'BEATS

Tony’s favourite word was “boats”, and he is clearly a raver, just check him out getting turnt with some tradie legends below, so why not spend a bit of time aboard Australia’s first music festival at sea! Allison Wonderland, Slumberjack, Tkay Maizda and our very own Sable will be on board and I’m sure they’d love raving with the Tone! As long as he has gotten over his obsession with stopping the boats it should be a rad party.

MOUNT RUSHMORE

Here, he can revel in the brilliance of those who governed so well they got their faces carved into a fucken’ mountain. Tony didn’t even get to serve one term, so he wouldn’t really know anything about that, but I hear the views are fantastic.

KIWIRRKURRA

1,200kms east of Port Headland, Kiwirrkurra is Australia’s most remote community. It’s hot, red and dusty. They don’t get too many visitors out there so Tony would be a very welcome guest. Besides, he’s all for lifestyle choices so why not get involved, right?

HAWAII

Tony loves doing loose shit. Eating onions, wearing horribly revealing bathing suits, competing in uphill fun-runs. The list of achievements by our ex-prime minister is longer than his term in office. Normally, we love laying shit on him for stuff like this but you know what, that ain’t a bad wave for suit. Props, Johnny Utah.